I feel your pain, Pope tells abuse victims [but the charade must go on!]

Pope: Sinful shepherds have brought suffering to their faithful flocks [of sheeple]

Pope acknowledged in a Mass at Washington’s just-opened Nationals Park baseball stadium that pedophile priests had brought “pain and harm” to many parishes.

“No words of mine could describe the pain and harm inflicted by such abuse. It is important that those who have suffered be given loving pastoral attention,” he said. “Nor can I adequately describe the damage that has occurred within the community of the church.”

Thousands of pedophile priests have molested minors in the US since 1950, and the church has paid more than $2 billion in damages.

Below: Wolfgang und der Teufel (“Saint Wolfgang and the Devil”) panel of Pacher’s Kirchenväteraltar (“Fathers of the Church” altarpiece, c. 1483), on display at the Alte Pinakothek in Munich.

Your church is now ready, Wolfgang. Here are the rules, again:

1. Smite everyone who has a different religion because we don’t want the flocks going around wondering why there are so many shepherds!
2. Slay all the indigenous people in the world because that’s how we can suppress spirituality, eliminate sustainable lifestyles and ensure “end times!” Besides, wee need their lands.
3. Torture and burn all of their intellectuals at stake because we don’t like anyone asking questions or sowing the seeds of doubt in the sheeple’s mind!
4. Forbid the flocks to plan their family and encourage them to f*ck like rabbits. The more children the merrier!
5. Sodomize all of their children because that’s the only way we can ensure there would be enough new recruits in every generation to perpetuate the lie.

Oh, and don’t worry about paying off damages. I’ll provide an endless supply of money . . .